Bossman (James Stephens) has a friend who's in Doctor Who. His name is Dan Starkey. I arrived into the office to find a figurine of his character - Sontaran Commander Skorr - on my desk this morning. I don't know anything about Doctor Who at all. Until I started working here I never met anyone who watched it - or at least anyone who admitted watching it. In the same way that I've never met anyone who admitted to liking Meg Ryan. The difference, I suppose, is that no one does like Meg Ryan. Not since she got in a strop with Parky.
When I asked Cuddles (Hollie Teague) to tell me a bit about the Sontarans in aid of this blog, I expected a one-liner, perhaps a bit about where they come from, maybe touching on their physical features. But instead I got his:
He is Commander Skorr and he is a Sontaran and Sontarans are basically like Vikings, and they like to fight and they take glory in the battle. They chant things like ‘Sontaran Sontaran’. James’s friend plays him. This guy uttered the immortal line ‘This isn’t war, this is sport’ in the last episode he was in. Then he was in last week’s finale, not as Commander Skorr but someone else, I don’t know what his name was and he was made to be a nurse by the Doctor, which is pretty embarrassing for a Sontaran. And he said ‘I can produce magnificent quantities of lactic fluid’ which was brilliant. Then he died. All Sontarans are clones by the way, that’s why he can play two of them.
That’s basically all I know about Sontarans.
Oh! Is that all? Freak.
James, Sam-Senior-Editor-man and Cuddles are all headed out to meet the Sontaran fellow tonight for a drink. They'll all probably arrive to work giddy with excitement tomorrow. As a result of this I've decided that the publishing industry must be brimming at the seams with Doctor Who geeks who probably tell 'in' jokes such as this:
Dr Who Geek 1: Blood. I've got a new joke: Knock knock
Dr Who Geek 2: Who's there?
Dr Who Geek 1: Doctor Who
Dr Who Geek 2: Doctor Who?
Dr Who Geek 1: ZAP! I just got you with my sonic screwdriver because I don't like guns
Or something to that effect. I suppose all this is my way of telling you I feel pretty left out. But that there's at least a 68%* chance that it's for the best. Feel free to voice your sentiments about all this below. I welcome broad condemnation - perhaps you could even change my mind about the whole thing.
No books about Doctor Who are available here. And I hope they never will be. I'm running the risk of a zapping saying that, but hey, I ain't afraid a no ghost. No wait. That's Ghost Busters isn't it.
*All percentages in this blog are a figment of my imagination.
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