Hugo Rifkind, columnist and writer for The Times, The Spectator and GQ has written a brilliant book. My Week: The Secret Diaries of Almost Everyone is out now, and guaranteed to keep you entertained. To celebrate publication, and the fact that it’s Friday afternoon, we’re giving you a couple of snippets from Part 1: British Politics
Friday – Boris Johnson during an afternoon chat with the PM
Back into Downing Street to see Dave.
‘Time to stop dissing the Feds, old chap,’ I tell him, as we crack open a bottle of wine.
‘What?’ says Dave.
It’s Phoenician, I explain, and I tell him he should be nicer to the police. Then I show him a helmet I nicked off a community support officer when his back was turned and we reminisce about that time, with the Buller, when somebody threw a pot plant through a window.
‘Do you feel old?’ says Dave. ‘I feel old.’
‘You’ve got a pot plant on your desk,’ I say, and Dave looks scared for a moment, and then nods.
Then there’s a thud.
‘Bulletproof,’ says Dave.
‘I’ll get a broom,’ I say.
Friday – Ken Livingstone on the mayorial election and Boris Bikes
Still not answering my phone. But this morning, I run into him knocking on doors in Tower Hamlets.
‘I want a word with you,’ he says.
‘Bugger off,’ I say. ‘We’ve nothing to talk about. I’m taking back what’s mine. This city is mine. I’ll be turning Boris Bikes into Ken Bikes and sinking your stupid bloody buses into the Thames. You just see if I don’t.’
‘Never mind all that,’ says Boris. ‘Can I have the number of your accountant?’
Friday – Ed Miliband on David Leaving after losing the leadership vote
Finally, Ed has a window. He’s sad.
‘I don’t want you to go,’ he says.
I have to, I say. Otherwise people will just think I’m undermining you whenever I make a speech.
‘They might not,’ he says.
I’ll never be able to do a funny voice, I continue, or else people will think I’m mocking your funny voice.
‘Hold on,’ he says.
I’ll never be able to hold ridiculous reactionary policies that don’t make any sense, I say. I’ll never be able to make an announcement using the same lame catchphrase over
and over again. I’ll never even be able to walk around in a really stupid jerky fashion, or else people will think…
‘Need a lift to the airport?’ says Ed.
Friday – George Osborne on his vital role in government, and… trousers.
Dave, Oliver and Ken pop in, for a mid-morning cup of tea. Dave says I’m looking well.
Thanks, I say. I slept for two whole hours last night.
Hence the way my skin is now pale white, rather than its customary greyish green.
The PM says we have two big problems, and the main one is the newspapers.
‘All the stories are too hostile,’ agrees Ken. ‘You need to write them more nicely.’
I only write the Evening Standard, I tell them.
‘Oh,’ says Dave. ‘Well, the other problem is growth.’
There’s no easy solution, I say. People just need to work harder.
‘That’s rich coming from you,’ says Oliver. ‘When I’m not even wearing any trousers.’
I don’t want to do this anymore, I say.
‘Go on, then!’ says Ken. ‘Walk!’
‘Wait!’ says Dave. ‘Does anybody else know how to use the kettle?’
Ken says that’s a fair point. ‘Two sugars, George,’ he adds.