On Wednesday a member of staff lost their mouse.
This is not a euphemism. I'm not saying, for example, that they lost their mind, that would be marbles.
No. I mean the small black cursor with a wire for a tail you use to operate your computer. Unless you work for a posh company with Apple Macs where the mice are tail-less.
It transpired that there was a mouse thief. Thus ensued MOUSEGATE, a barrage of collective office emails and a mouse amnesty:
"I’ve put a box in the store room for those light-fingered colleagues to anonymously return the mouse to its rightful owner…"
I didn't think it was the time or the place to point out that if one were to go to the trouble of getting under their desk, unplugging their mouse, putting it in a box in the only stock room in our office only to be left SANS mouse and completely unable to do their job - it wasn't much of an amnesty.
Inevitably, the office became obsessed with murine puns:
"I’m cheesed off and will be holding interviews to investigate."
"If you are guilty, I will make you squeak."
"If you want to rat someone out, that’s fine. But no tall tails."
"It was a hairy moment, I was furry upset."
It was then that Emily, the friendly office actual mouse, well, stuffed mouse, made her feelings known that it was favourable that the anatomical mouse be returned to its rightful owner, immediately.
This is Emily.
Why, I hear you ask, do we have an office stuffed mouse? Silly question.
Because once upon a time a delightful young thing called Emily Sutton worked here. Emily hated mice. There was a running joke that she was a taxidermist from Watford in her spare time (she is actually from Watford). When she sadly left we bought Emily a stuffed mouse.
But she left without her.
So we named the mouse, Emily.
New Emily has been keeping a watchful eye on goings on ever since. Patiently waiting, for a moment such as this to make her feelings known. Mousegate needed a well-informed arbiter.
We shall call her Cheesus.
*NOTE: The mouse was never recovered. And neither has the office atmosphere.*