Here at Biteback we like to spread the love. In fact we LOVE to spread the love, just not when we’re coerced into it. For all of you out there who want to join us in our crusade against the commercialisation of that little ol’ thing called love, here are our top five anti-Valentine’s Day books.
1. Talking to a Brick Wall, by Deborah Mattinson
Because doesn’t it just feel like that sometimes? In Talking to a Brick Wall Deborah Mattinson describes how New Labour stopped listening to voters and why we need a new politics. Maybe you could use it as a very unsubtle metaphor the next time you want to break up with someone? Don’t give them a list of reasons why you’d rather chew your own arm off than be with them any longer. Just slam this book down in front of them, fluff your hair and sashay out of there. They'll learn not to take you for granted but they might also learn something about democratic renewal through citizen engagement, as well as how to deliver bad news to Gordon Brown. Let’s face it, that can’t be a bad thing.
2. Dishonourable Insults, by Greg Knight
Inspiration for those times you need a cutting insult but, in the heat of the moment, the best you can come up with is mimicking your opponent, in a slightly high-pitched voice. Don’t feel the pain of coming up with a brilliant comeback five hours after the argument is over. Have one to hand with the help of this book; it contains over one hundred years of political venom. From Churchill to Cameron, Balfour to Brown, Curzon to Clegg, Douglas-Home to Duncan Smith, Healey to Howard, Macaulay to Miliband, Greg Knight has once again compiled a witty collection of insults that will provide amusement and a delightful source of reference for anyone searching for the ultimate put-down. Nick Clegg on the last Labour Government: ‘When Gordon Brown said he wanted a government of all the talents, no-one realised that incompetence was going to be one of them’.
3. You Don’t Know Sh*t, by Doug Mayer, Val Stori and Tod Van Jahnes
This book is about poo. I don’t really know what more I can say to convince you of its anti-Valentine’s Day sentiments. Know your WAG BAG from your honey bucket? Your fecal veneer from your fecal fall-out zone? Laid-back enough to 'go left'? Familiar with the most fart-tastic of bodily functions? This book is the definitive guide to all things sh*ttacular. From the historical to the scientific, the obscure to the downright disgusting, journey through the back passage of time and experience the ultimate in toilet humour. With fun facts about everything from famous Thomas Crapper to the chemicals that make poo smell, as well as the finest diagrams, drawings and could-that-really-be-what-I-think-it-is photos, this encyclopedia of all things scatological guides you from ignorance to expertise in a flash (or flush). So get comfortable on your porcelain throne, take your time and read it well, and no one will ever be able to tell you that you don’t know your sh*t.
4. Not the Best Looking Bird, by Grant Tucker
Like the previous book, I’m really not sure what more I can say to convince you that this book is strictly anti-Valentine’s day. This is a compilation of the best quotes from legendary football manager, Ian Holloway. In a managerial world populated by dour Scotsmen, incomprehensible foreigners and tight-lipped cliche merchants, Holloway is a shining light. He is never backward in coming forward with his zany philosophical musings and this book includes probably some of the least romantic things ever said. For example: ‘He's six foot something, fit as a flea, good looking – he's got to have something wrong with him. Hopefully he's hung like a hamster. That would make us all feel better... having said that, me missus has got a pet hamster at home, and his cock's massive.’ Yep, that’s Ian Holloway for you. Talking about Cristiano Ronaldo. Swoon.
5. Labour Pains, by Peter Kilfoyle
It seemed like such a good idea at the time. Nine months later and you’re lying on a hospital bed, with your ankles hoisted in the air, your goods on display for all to see, and a trainee doctor probing you with a cold metal instrument. OK, so this book isn’t actually about giving birth but let it serve as a reminder to you, the next time you’re feeling a bit romantic. What ACTUALLY happens in the book is that Labour stalwart and former Cabinet insider Peter Kilfoyle gives his perspective on the Blair-Brown era, from the failure of the 1992 election campaign to the mediocrity of the New Labour government. It documents the meteoric rise of Blair and Brown between 1983 and 1992, and their early pact with that modern day Mephistopheles, Peter Mandelson. Irreverent, witty and thoughtful, this insider’s account of our political age is replete with anecdotes, some none too flattering, and reflections on the two men who, Kilfoyle believes, have ruined his beloved Labour.